Looking Back, Looking Forward

In reference to what it was like when I first moved to America, I was recently asked, "What were some things that took getting used to?"

I've been pondering this. There are the obvious things:
+ you drive on the other side of the road
+ your light switches go the opposite way off/on
+ you all have accents (yes all of you)
+ the money is different, and in different denominations
+ your slang is different
etc.

Then there are the more subtle ones:
+ social politeness nuances that offend people before you know they exist
+ finding that most everything at the grocery store has the same name but random small items you need but can't find for months don't, until by accident you discover they've been sitting under your nose all that time disguised as something else
+ realizing that for some reason my accent and the various other accents have trouble understanding each other, even though we know we're all speaking English. it's frustrating for them as much as for me, because they're expecting I'm American
+ random car styles, house styles that have the same name look completely different
+ going into a situation that seems familiar, but finding out part way through a process or tiny aspect is different, throwing you off and making you feel small, stupid and foolish, because it is inevitably followed by an annoyed look, a sarcastic comment, or some other belittling gesture that lets you know exactly how dumb you are for being in your mid-twenties and apparently unaware of a very adult thing
+ having your lack of friends and family, job, church and independence reveal every possible insecurity you have, often to people who don't care about you, as you have to slowly over many years piece back together all the parts of your life thrown open wide by marriage, moving and subsequent grief and loneliness
+ being afraid to go outside because stepping outside your door will only show you again how unfamiliar it all is.
+ being brave enough to step out your door, only to find yourself rejected
+ not being able to recognize yourself
+ constantly feeling like for every step forward, you take two steps back
+ having questions on why people do things the way they do, without being able to find reasonable answers
+ making all new friends, sometimes with people you HAD to befriend
+ going without platonic hugs

I'm sure there are more, but my brain is wrecked.

Oh, and I promise this is not a pity party - and to that end I'm considering disabling comments on this one because I don't want people compelled out of pity or compassion to write something in return. Ok, I've thought about it, and I won't disable them. Just please don't write me because you feel sorry for me ok? I'm just answering the question, as much for that person as for myself, because I am reaching or perhaps have reached something of a turning point, where I feel like I can say these things and realize they are a part of me - a significant part of me - but I'm getting over it. It's time to get over it.

Of course, I say that now and 2 or 3 months from now I'll probably hit some situation and think, "wow, I didn't think that would affect me" or "wow, I thought I was over that", and feel disappointed in myself.**

On a brighter note -

Things I am looking forward to about going back:

+ driving on the right side of the road
+ seeing my family
+ seeing my friends
+ sausages in bread, tasty cheese, instant coffee and biscuits, peter's ice cream, custard in a carton.
+ fish and chips, sausage rolls, chico rolls and dim sims
+ familiar grocery stores
+ my kids staying in the house I grew up in, taking them to places dear to my younger heart
+ funky other little stores that I can't get here
+ having my rings re-dipped in the right carat gold
+ wandering downtown and being a grown up again
+ the Wok-on-Inn
+ passionfruit gelati
+ Guruva
and last but not least,
+ seeing my little sister get married


**It didn't take 2-3 months, it happened tonight.

"Date Night"

I wish it wasn't called this. It sounds so arranged. Like Tuesday I do laundry, Wednesday I vacuum, Thursday is date night.

Well actually Tuesday was date night. We went to BJ's and had a roy rogers and a mini pizza each during happy hour. For those of you who haven't gone there with us during happy hour, happy hour = cheap food.

Can I just say I had a fantastic time? I know you'd probably expect that I should, given the company, but sometimes date nights can seemed so forced. I sit there feeling a bit like, "ok, what are we going to talk about? i can't talk about the kids soooooo.... that leaves, oh right, nothing." I often feel dull and uninspiring on date nights.

But this was different, and I want to say it was because we were both making an effort, only it seemed so effortless, like back when we really were dating, before getting married and it getting all weird ;) We laughed, and joked, and enjoyed each other.

One of the things (among many things) that we talked about was the way we ended up together in the first place... given the circumstances in each other's lives, how remarkable it was how it all transpired. How divine really. And I've been thinking about something he said, about how he felt the day we "broke up" - the day I realized he liked me like that. How could I ever have doubted his intentions? And yet I was so oblivious.
The question struck me last night as he crawled into bed and came and wrapped his cold feet around me to get warm (something which I love by the way) if I'm still oblivious. Am I still so distracted by the children, the house, what I love, what I don't, how hard my day was, who I talked to, my struggles, my hopes, my failures, that I'm still oblivious to how much he loves me? That in the midst of my life, he likes me like that.



There was a hug offered to me last night, the value of which I underestimated. There was a listening ear recently that I abused. There's been time craved that I've been too dismissive of.

Somehow I think that even after 6 years, I'm still as dense as I was.

I want to change that.

So I'm Taking The Plunge

I'm going to do cloth diapers. ("Nappies" I hear my mother correct in my head)

After three years of being having to go every two weeks and spend money on something that got pooped on and thrown away, now I am going to spend one amount of money, not have to duck out at odd times for diapers, but somehow I'll still end up with something that gets pooped on, only not thrown away... ok so why am I doing it?

Several reasons. But I'm not going to go into that, because this isn't a passive aggressive personal vendetta thing. I'm no cloth nappy nazi.

I'm just excited for this change, for my kids, for me, and so happy that I don't even mind the extra laundry.

For those of you curious, there are many convenient options for cloth diapering now... it's definitely not the cloth diapering of my mother's generation, although after weighing all the options I've chosen a route that isn't too far off. I'm doing all cotton and wool.

Just an FYI "I'm excited".