The most valuable thing my mother taught me was to read. You'll always get smarter if you keep reading. Something else my mother taught me was that you should never wear make up to visit the doctor, because they might not realize how sick you really are if you look too pretty.

Equipped with this knowledge I entered the adult world of diagnosis and MD's (I think) a person reasonably well versed about her own body and health and, trying not to be too be too bossy about self diagnosis, a self awareness that has impressed most medical personnel. I think working in medical administration also helped develop this, as I often heard how frustrated doctors were by 'dumb people' who knew nothing about their own bodies, had little self awareness, and apparently, little knowledge about basic anatomy. When they had a patient who was even a little bit educated about what was going on with their own body, they rejoiced.

So you can imagine I was quite delighted to be able to (with what I would call a pretty basic understanding of the reproductive system) inform my doctor of the date of conception of each of my children. In every instance an ultrasound confirmed that date exactly, which he said he found very helpful. In fact, at the first appointment with my second child, he didn't even ask me the date of my LMP, he went entirely off my conception date to determine a due date (which is good because the other calculation would have been off by two weeks).

Imagine my surprise when, after having to go into the office today at 19 wks 4 days pregnant to have a check because of some abnormalities, a new doctor tells me that I am 20 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

I recheck the dates and ask her, I'm pretty sure I'm only 19 weeks 4 days, do you know if my due date was changed?

She checks the baby first. "Growth is right on track for 20 weeks 1 day, she's measuring 19 weeks, 4 days!"

I am puzzled by this information. By what she has just said, the baby is behind. By my caculations and the measurement she gave, the baby is right on track with her age being 19 weeks 4 days!

As I'm given 20 minutes of peace during a non-stress test, I review my first meeting with the midwife. As per my other visits, the assistant wants to figure out my due date using the date of my LMP. I reluctantly give it to her, and ask her to please calculate using my other date, as my cycle was not a typical 28-day cycle. She won't. Based on that (incorrect) date, she gives me a due date of April 12th. According to my dates I should be due April 17th. (But wait, you say, that's only 5 days different! So what? Bear with me friend...)
Enter the midwife, a jolly, down-to-earth woman who is bright and cheerful. "What was your LMP?"
I give her the date, but say, "My cycle was long that time, and I didn't ovulate until xdate. I know conception was on ydate."
"Oh good!" she says, apparently delighted by this information, "You know the date of conception! Well that would give you a due date of April 17th!"
She makes a note in my chart. She does the ultrasound. The baby is measuring correctly to the date. Turning to me, she smiles. "You were right, Mama!"

Back in the waiting room today, as I make inane observations about the room (the fluff that has gathered on one corner of the ceiling tile maybe be an over exuberance of ceiling insulation... the net at the top of the curtain was attached to the fabric using a serger - interesting choice) I jump as the new doctor sticks her head in the door.
"Yeah, your LMP was zdate, so your due date is April 12th. That makes you 20 weeks, 1 day."
Dumbly, I say, "But my cycle was long that month, we didn't conceive the baby until after I ovulated, and by the conception date they told me I was due April 17th."
She smiles with no emotion. "We don't use those dates. We always go by LMP. Your due date is April 12th." And then she is gone.

I want my regular doctor back. I want the midwife. I want anyone who will realize that come April 12th, and I'm warned about the dangers of being overdue, big babies, inhalation of meconium, and the general disasters that await you if you pass the magical date, that this baby is awaiting her own time to enter the world, and I don't have to be the slightest bit worried until sometime after the 17th. I wonder if, because it's relatively easy to frighten a heavily pregnant woman about the safety of her unborn child, I will feel pressure to have an induction, which may then (according to well documented research) lead to all kinds of other interventions if indeed she is not ready to be in the world. I wonder if my fate has changed at all because a doctor who doesn't believe in using conception dates (that have been verified multiple times by early ultrasound), has given me an incorrect due date.

I lie there, wondering, wishing there was an alternative we could afford, and anyone who even cares. I think about my daughter, flexing and twisting in my belly, so wanted and loved already and blissfully unaware of all that lies ahead of her.

It seems she is staying put for now. It was infection that caused me to fear her early arrival, something easily treatable because I paid attention to my body, was reasonably well informed and sought help from someone more educated than myself. There is a lot of relief in that.

But I should have worn make-up. At least then I could feel dumb AND pretty.

Vanity to History

I found two other Catherine Pues' that have gone before me.

The first married Charles Diaper of Romsey, a labourer in Winchester, Hampshire on 5th March, 1724.

The second (Catherine Mary Pue) was born in Ireland about 1851. In 1876 (at the age of about 25) she married James Bushen, who was approximately 5 years her junior. James was a Grocers Assistant and he and Catherine settled in Barnstaple. Catherine's older sister, Elizabeth, lived with them, and they also rented out rooms to lodgers. They had one son, Thomas, born about 3 years later. James died in 1888 aged only 32. After he died, Catherine continued to rent out rooms to lodgers. Her son Thomas became a silversmith. Catherine did not marry again and died after 1901.

No excuses.

It seems blogging has gone the way of so many other things in my life. I have lost a taste for it, and it saddens me.

But still there is a nagging feeling that it's just a phase. I forget what it's like to not be myself, which, given my history, is a great thing. So why don't I feel happier?

I have cut much fabric lately and sewn nothing. Finished no pages. Taken no pictures. My children will look back on the last three months and wonder what happened to their life. I will tell them we were abducted by aliens and sent off to live on a planet where everyone wears polka dots and talks like mice, and where everyone goes to the pool every day and eats popsicles for breakfast. They will think it was the best three months ever.

I, however, will chalk it up to one of those unhappy but necessary processes on the way to happiness.

More later. The obscurity is getting to me.

A great night:

1. no tv
2. husband writing music
3. clementines
4. "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon, complete with 80's synth snares
5. the faint rattle of a box fan
6. This dress

For the child who has everything...

So that they can sit and lord it (literally) over all the other children.

And of course, when my daughter saw it she said, "Woooooooooow!"


(p.s. If my sarcasm hasn't dissuaded you, it's available at toysrus. They own the photo.)

Froufy.

I love clothes and shoes. I'm a girl, it's part of the job description. The only thing I love more than clothes and shoes, is clothes and shoes on clearance.

A top I hope to wear to a wedding Saturday:

It's way cuter in person, I think, because it has more subtle colour variations that you can see in the print, but not in the photo. Also, most clothes and shoes look better with a person in them. Same with these shoes:

Thank you Target, for $5 shoes. These also look cuter in person. The heel is higher than it looks here, but they incredibly comfortable for what are essentially plastic shoes. I also don't generally go for the peep toe thing either, but as I was telling a friend today, I do think part of it is the shape of the peep toe, and how much it shows.

Thank you to Kasey, whose MJ's inspired this post.

In the pit...

So, if you know anything about me by now, it's that I'm passionate and music moves me in powerful ways.

That being said, we saw Coldplay at The Forum last night. Following is my tale of awe:

The parking down there is mind blowing... we anticipated quite a walk but found a spot not too far away. Just a block or so. (yeah!) R was figuring this... the venue seats 18,000... say there are three people to a car (approximately) at $20 parking per car. That's roughly $120,00 hauled in from parking alone per sold out event, in one night. Coldplay was sold out two nights. That's a two bedroom condo right there. I'll try not to think about it.

We found our way around the round round venue to will call. That's where you pick up your tickets if you haven't got them already. We got them super easy, no hassles, and tried to find our way around to an entrance. We found one after feeling like we were going in circles... and the venue workers in yellow jackets guided us down, down, down until we were on the floor. I remember glancing at the sound desk a ways back and thinking, wow, wouldn't it be amazing to sit that close? But no, we were even closer! Like 8 rows from the front, and dead center! I was stunned, we've never had such great tickets! The adrenaline was pumping through me, and had me in a cold sweat...

"I'm surprised they don't have a pit," R remarked, noticing that the seating went right down to the stage.
I looked around, taking it all in... the filling seats, the Sigur Ros ambient pre-show music (which R tells me the band chooses) the proximity to the stage, and wait! Staging to our left, and to our right surrounding us.
"I think we are the pit," I replied.

And indeed we were. Awesome seats... the stage was covered by a semi-transparent scrim (another nod to Sigur Ros there) and you could see them come on stage, I could hardly stand it. They opened with the lead track from Viva la Vida, an instrumental... and as they played the black scrim started to lift, and then *lights*:


The backdrop was stunning, a huge enlarged copy of Eugène Delacroix's "Liberty Leading the People", which is featured on their album cover. But this huge it was overwhelmingly powerful.



Viva la Vida (the song) was fantastic. You can see the bell there on the right... Will (the drummer) is playing his two timpanis in front there. You can't really see but their costumes were a play on french army uniforms, it was cool :D


This is how the stage stretched either side of us. That's Jonny right there (on guitar).


Jonny and Chris have a moment. I don't know why they seem so far away, it's odd. That's what you get from a camera phone I guess. Anyway, after that I gave up trying to perfect the photos on my camera phone, and just let myself enjoy the show... They're great performers, but humble and totally ok to start a song over if they screw it up. Love it. Giant spheres came down from the celings that became the screen that images were projected on, one of the best features about shows... the incredible footage. Illistrative, graphic design, and motion picture images were interspliced with real time footage of the show. It was pretty rad. They played a couple of songs out on one of the arms of the stage that jutted into the audience, and played a crazy good version of "God Put A Smile Upon Your Face" with cool guitar effects and awesome drum kit sounds. And of course you know people just went nuts with them being in proximity that most fans would never dream of being in...

So you can imagine how wild the stadium went when they ran down off the stage and up into the first row of seats, and up, up, up they went, waaaaaaaay into the nose bleeds, where there were acoustic instruments all set up, and the proceeded to do an acoustic set from way up in the stands! Everyone went nuts, even the people far away, because the idea that a band would do that was just insanely cool!

And then the encore... See, when bands play sometimes on tour they have a set list that is the same every night. But sometimes the bigger bands will actually vary the set list every night. We didn't know what they would do, but I knew that they hadn't played one of my favourite songs "Fix You" the night before, so I already knew I wouldn't hear it. Imagine my joy when the first song of the first encore was that very song! It was so awesome hearing it live, it has a different personality almost, way more intimate, which is surprising for such a large venue. And from there they went right into one of my favourite songs on the new album, "Lovers In Japan" which had THE coolest images projected, lots of vintage and black and white footage and photos, shown. And then during the song, great bursts of colour came from above in the form of paper butterflies about 2 inches across, that flutters like we were in a parade. We just lifted our eyes to the sky and let the colours swirl around. The first burst was all in red white and blue, and the second was purple, silver, green, blue, pink and orange, it was gorgeous! I just stood there trying to drink it all in...

Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you...

I had been so sunk that day, feeling like my flaws were overwhelming me, knowing that I didn't deserve anything, I was such a wretched, horrid thing. Why is it we who know a merciful God, can be so convinced that he is as vindictive as us, ready to spite us at every chance? I knew I deserved far worse, but there I was in a flurry of colours and lights, warmed again...

I love you, I love you, I love you

Finale: And to the pit the exhortation came -


Spectaular!